This week's musings have been a little harder to put into words for me, but here goes.
Last week's in-patient treatment was one of the hardest to date. I entered the hospital on Tuesday, October 11th, feeling pretty week and discouraged. I had spent all of Monday in pain with one of the worst back-aches of my life and it left me feeling depleted. I asked my husband, Ray, to take the day off and go into the city with me rather than having a friend take me. I just needed him - and to his credit - he knew it and made me feel like I was the most important thing in his day.
Turns out it was a good thing he was with me. We found out that I had a bacterial infection in my gut (just your run of the mill bacteria that had gotten out of hand) so I was moved to an isolation room and chemo was delayed. I wasn't sure how many days I would have to be in the hospital, but I knew it was more days than I wanted to be there. There were plenty of tears and I just felt defeated. Frankly I am sick and tired of chemo. I am tired of having my body rebel against it's intended purpose. I am tired of weak muscles, nausea, sore bones, daily injections, multiple medications, and I am really tired of my bald head.
As I slept in the hospital that night, it came as no surprise to God how I was feeling. And just as I have said, even when I may not always feel it, He is Faithful. My friend, Michele, sent me a text at 2:12a.m. She later told me that she had planned to text earlier but didn't want to wake me if I was sleeping, but just couldn't sleep until she sent the text. It was a text of encouragement. It contained these words from Isaiah 54:10, "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed." She also reminded me that I was not alone even though I was in isolation and that I was surrounded in prayer. This text was a life-line. So many have been thrown out to me just when I need them most in this journey.
I spent the next hour and half just knowing that God was very much with me and He had not forgotten where I was. I stood against discouragement and defeat (well actually I was laying down, but you know what I mean) and invited the Lord to just fill my hospital room with His presence and peace. So are you wondering yet when I'm tying in this whole singing title to my blog with what I'm actually writing? Here's the connection. After I read the text and talked things over with the Lord, I just felt like He put song after song in my heart to sing. The first one came out in a very soft, cracked, tear-filled voice. I could barely get through it. I mean, praise is not an easy thing when you're in this place; but as I sang each song that came to my memory I began to feel such a tremendous release and peace. It was when I began to sing an old hymn, "Blessed Assurance," that I really got the message of what God was doing for me. Here are the words to the verse that meant the most to me:
"Perfect submission, all is at rest
I in my Savior am happy and blest
Watching and waiting, looking above
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my Savior all the day long.
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior all the day long."
I would not have chosen this as my story. I would not have penned these words to be part of my song, but God, in His infinite wisdom, has entrusted me with this and I will sing it out for all to hear. My voice may crack and the tears may flow down my face, but I will sing the song and share the story that He is writing as long as He gives me breath.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Realize nothing has been left to chance
This week has been a good one. Other than some pain in my hips and legs (a result of my bone marrow production being forced into overdrive by my daily injections) I have been able to function at my new normal levels. This means I've been able to get up each morning, get my kids ready for the day and off to school, then come home and rest with the occasional burst of energy required to make myself something to eat or finally put my kids dirty clothes in their hamper instead of the living room floor.
My HCG levels have dropped to 23 and will hopefully reach 5 by next week or very shortly thereafter. Once they're at 5 then I'm down to my final 6 rounds of chemo. My white blood cell count is up to 3.5 - still considered low but a heck of a lot better than the 0.5 I was at just 2 weeks ago. My veins have actually improved over the last 2 rounds, which is only attributable to the power of prayer, because that just doesn't happen. This leads me to the title for today's blog. It was something I heard in a Beth Moore dvd series that I've been watching. She stated that as a child of God we can be certain that nothing in our lives has been left to chance. We may come through some incredibly difficult times but we can be assured that none of the rough things we have experienced will be wasted. I can say that I agree whole-heartedly.
Now, whether you believe the way I believe or not, let me explain why I believe this. This is not the first difficult journey I have made in my life. In fact, when posed the question, what was the year that changed your life? I would have to answer 1990-1991. That was the year I was 15 and my world turned upside down. I don't mind sharing with anyone who reads this that it was the year I was raped by an acquaintance. I was not held at gunpoint, I was not beaten, I was given a spiked drink, naive and scared. I struggled and finally, wearily gave up as he took advantage of me. The idea of "date rape" was a fairly new concept at that time and even though the man who did this to me was over the age of 21 and I was a minor, I did not seek legal recourse. Sadly, my parents were out of the country when all of this happened so I did not have them to lean on or to defend me. For that's what it was at the time, defending my actions to prove I had not deserved what happened to me. I share this story only to highlight that at the age of 15 I could not possibly see how any good could ever come out of this situation. I did, however, have something in my heart prompt me to utter the prayer to God, "If you can ever bring something good out of this, then it will have been worth it."
I have seen God do just that over the last 21 years. He has brought beauty out of the ashes. He has used my experience and His healing of my life to speak to several different girls that had gone through similar things. He has given me the courage to be vulnerable and share things many of us try to keep hidden because shame has taken its toll; and in being vulnerable it has opened a door for others to walk through. God redeemed what appeared to be an irredeemable event and has used it for not just my good, but the good of others.
I share this to say that just as a 15 year-old girl could not begin to see how God could use a potentially devastating experience for good; could not glimpse 21 years into the future; this 36 year-old woman has no idea just what God's plans are for the journey I am on now, but I know they are for my good and for the benefit of others. I have come to know him as my Redeemer. I trust Him with the situations that seem to be left to chance because He has proven time and again, that if I will allow Him to use my pain He will turn it into something far more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. Just wait and see.
My HCG levels have dropped to 23 and will hopefully reach 5 by next week or very shortly thereafter. Once they're at 5 then I'm down to my final 6 rounds of chemo. My white blood cell count is up to 3.5 - still considered low but a heck of a lot better than the 0.5 I was at just 2 weeks ago. My veins have actually improved over the last 2 rounds, which is only attributable to the power of prayer, because that just doesn't happen. This leads me to the title for today's blog. It was something I heard in a Beth Moore dvd series that I've been watching. She stated that as a child of God we can be certain that nothing in our lives has been left to chance. We may come through some incredibly difficult times but we can be assured that none of the rough things we have experienced will be wasted. I can say that I agree whole-heartedly.
Now, whether you believe the way I believe or not, let me explain why I believe this. This is not the first difficult journey I have made in my life. In fact, when posed the question, what was the year that changed your life? I would have to answer 1990-1991. That was the year I was 15 and my world turned upside down. I don't mind sharing with anyone who reads this that it was the year I was raped by an acquaintance. I was not held at gunpoint, I was not beaten, I was given a spiked drink, naive and scared. I struggled and finally, wearily gave up as he took advantage of me. The idea of "date rape" was a fairly new concept at that time and even though the man who did this to me was over the age of 21 and I was a minor, I did not seek legal recourse. Sadly, my parents were out of the country when all of this happened so I did not have them to lean on or to defend me. For that's what it was at the time, defending my actions to prove I had not deserved what happened to me. I share this story only to highlight that at the age of 15 I could not possibly see how any good could ever come out of this situation. I did, however, have something in my heart prompt me to utter the prayer to God, "If you can ever bring something good out of this, then it will have been worth it."
I have seen God do just that over the last 21 years. He has brought beauty out of the ashes. He has used my experience and His healing of my life to speak to several different girls that had gone through similar things. He has given me the courage to be vulnerable and share things many of us try to keep hidden because shame has taken its toll; and in being vulnerable it has opened a door for others to walk through. God redeemed what appeared to be an irredeemable event and has used it for not just my good, but the good of others.
I share this to say that just as a 15 year-old girl could not begin to see how God could use a potentially devastating experience for good; could not glimpse 21 years into the future; this 36 year-old woman has no idea just what God's plans are for the journey I am on now, but I know they are for my good and for the benefit of others. I have come to know him as my Redeemer. I trust Him with the situations that seem to be left to chance because He has proven time and again, that if I will allow Him to use my pain He will turn it into something far more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. Just wait and see.
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