I can liken how I'm feeling right now to how I felt when I went into pre-term labor with my second son, Jon. At 32 weeks I started having contractions and I could tell I was going into labor. The doctors said that the baby could come at any time. We thought we had 8 weeks left to prepare. I mean, we weren't altogether unprepared, we had just been counting on those last few weeks to get all of the details in place.
So, Tuesday when my oncologist said that I would need to start chemotherapy next Tuesday, August 30th, I found myself feeling a bit under-prepared. It would seem rather odd that after waiting for this long that I would be caught off-guard by the idea of action and a possible end to all of this waiting, but here I am. I have 5 days to get things in order at home, and the list of to-do's seems endless.
The biggest challenge will be talking to our children about what lies ahead for our family. I've talked to a chaplain, a social worker, and friends for advice on how to put this into terms that my 7 and 5 year old can understand without feeling afraid. Mostly I'll rely on God for the words when we need them. If I feel confident that I can trust God as I go through this journey then I will also be confident that I can trust him with my children's emotions and well-being.
So, I will do my best to prepare and then my waiting will take on a new look. I will be waiting in places I would choose not to enter - chemotherapy suites and hospital rooms. I heard once that if I am waiting on results I will feel depleted of strength and weary, but if I wait on the Lord, He has promised to renew my strength; so I will not focus on my hcg levels reaching 0 and the 6 weeks of chemo that will continue after that. I will choose to focus on my God and what He can accomplish during this time.
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