I write this today for myself, if you're reading and get something out of it, then that's a bonus. I need to do this for me. I need to stay sane and I need to get some thoughts out and begin to let God breathe on places that feel crushed right now.
My first round of chemo was Tuesday, August 30th. I had been told by my oncologist that during and after my in-patient treatment I would feel pretty good. Apparently my oncologist has never, EVER, been through chemo. I had an allergic reaction to my first 1-hour drip so I had to get benadryl pushed directly into my IV port. Talk about feeling a little woozy, but it was better than the alternative. So now, just to be safe, I'll be getting an IV of benadryl everytime I get a dose of etoposide. That was the easy part. Half and hour into my 12-hour methotrexate drip the nausea kicked in. I had been given an anti-nausea med, but that was not cutting it. I was able to sleep through most of the night but the nausea didn't leave. The next morning I could only manage to eat a handful of dry cheerios and drink some water. I've been on different anti-nausea meds since, but it doesn't totally get rid of the feeling.
Like I said, this blog is for me, so if you feel like you're reading a whine-fest, I just need to get this all out. I know there are plenty of people going through more difficult trials than this, but right now this trial is what's blocking my view.
My energy feels like it has slowly been drained out of me. I'm not sleeping for more than 2-hours at a time at night, simple tasks (like making pancakes for my boys yesterday) completely drain me. I didn't think it would be like this so soon. I try not to focus on how much worse it is going to get. I try.
I have told my mother and my husband that I am not the kind of woman that was cut out to go through something like this. They reassure me that I can do this - but I don't want to do this. I want to hide. I want to give up and it's only the beginning.
I think it was the mouth/throat sores that did me in. I woke up with them yesterday. It feels like my throat is swollen and constantly raw. My body is clearly struggling to process the effects of chemo and likewise, so are my emotions. Discouragement is overwhelming, despair is waiting to pull me under, but I cannot let them take me captive. I have 2 children watching mommy. They will learn just how much mommy means it when she says that we can trust God. That He wants what's best for us.
So God, you have to come through for me. I know you will, not because I make petulant demands, stomp my feet or threaten to hold my breath unless you do; but because you are God and you have never forsaken me yet. Please show me how to walk this road because I just want to jump off this path and run screaming in the opposite direction. I am so ill-equipped so I'm trusting that you have packed my bags for me because otherwise I will not make it to the other side of this journey. You have to get me there, in one piece, safe and sound. And you have to do that for my family as well. I'm trusting you with the most precious things I have, my children, my husband, and my body. Speak gently to me because I am barely hanging on.
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